For many their addiction is not because of weakness, it helps with the mental pain that torments them. Those that do not suffer from addiction can say all we want on how to beat it, but it’s the addicted that needs to find/seek the alternative healthy outlet to ease their pain and those around them – PB/TK
Learning to Breathe Through the Journey of Addiction and PTSD – By Jenny Pacanowski / July 13 2017
(Jenny Pacanowski was a soldier in the U.S. Army and served in Iraq as a combat medic and provided medical support for convoys. She also did shifts in the Navy medical hospital. In Germany, she was part of a medical evacuation company.)
The first time I snorted heroin felt like the peace of a sunset at dusk, the ending of the day and beginning of darkness. Even though I had a great service dog and a solidly maternal house dog, I struggled. I sought to alleviate my pain by escaping my memories, instead of investing in the internal workings of my mind and body. I hated myself. My choices. My looks. My existence was guilt ridden and shame flowed like the blood in my veins.
Eventually that’s where the heroin ended up too, swimming in my veins with all the other poison that circulated through my body. I treated it like anxiety medication. I shot up and went to work without my service dog. I shot up and went to class. I shot up and went to the store. I shot up and felt brave enough, or numb enough, to be social with my family and friends outside my home. I felt so numb I could easily navigate the side effects of my PTSD without fear. The heroin lifted the pressure that sat on my chest, it provided relief from the expectations that were drowning me.
Why couldn’t I get better faster? Why was every day a continued struggle, even with the three years of therapy I could accrued? I wonder still: Why am I still in pain? Why are my internal wounds still bleeding? Why do I still feel alone? Why am I so f***** up? Why am I so crazy? Why am I still struggling? What’s the point? What am I doing with my life? Why is surviving not satisfying? Why continue to survive when nothing is sustainable, not happiness, not relief, not love, not compassion, not humanity?
As the Why’s and What’s consumed me, the heroin brought breath and the freedom of emptiness. I maintained my mask for six months and successfully flunked out of college, because heroin trumped finals week
Continue to military.com article: http://www.military.com/daily-news/2017/07/13/learning-breathe-through-journey-addiction-ptsd.html
